Three Dreams

I dreamed that I was back at the conservative evangelical church I used to attend in London, visiting all the people I used to know there for some event. When people greeted me as "Anna," I explained that I'm not using that name anymore and I now go by Max. Then I had to use the bathroom, and went to the Gents'. When I got out, I found that everyone had piled into a coach and left to go elsewhere. Only D, my old mentor who used to do one-on-one Bible study with me, had stayed behind, to explain to me that everyone at the church found my trans*ness unacceptable and would no longer be able to associate with me. I was gutted. Their transphobia really hurt me, even though I knew there was nothing I could do about it.

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I dreamed that I'd come out to my mother. She wanted me to perform in a piano recital, even though I protested that I had nothing performance-ready, and she forced me to wear a dress. I managed to escape to the men's restroom, which was an endless corridor with urinals and stalls on both sides. I walked through the vast men's room in my dress, looking for the perfect stall.

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I dreamed that my old high school was having an alum event, for which you were required to wear your old uniform. I still have mine, but I only have a girl's uniform and I needed pants. I don't have any smart pants, so I thought I'd borrow some from one of my brothers. But my younger brother's school uniform pants were far too big, and my older brother's were nowhere to be found. I realized I would have to buy my own trousers.